Breastfeeding: Nursing in Public

As a mom-to-be, the idea of nursing in public made me cry. Not even being in public, but even just in front of other people. Some of it was justified--babies aren't born knowing how to nurse neatly, and mommies aren't born knowing how to do all these holds. True story--I literally cried at the mere thought of even my dad seeing me breastfeed. A year later, I almost laugh it was such a stupid worry.

But for me, it all changed. First, I was running errands one day and I was really trying not to give Ellie formula to help my supply rebuild, and at my last errand a block from home, she had to eat. And I had to go in the store. I remember hussling this whiny, rooting baby around and the manager told me the baby was hungry and she would just nurse the kid. I knew she was hungry but wasn't feeding her because I had to make this stop and get home.

Covers never seemed viable to me, or healthy for that matter. Even just a blanket or scarf--Ellie uncovers her head, you can't see to adjust them, they rebreathe air, and you have to be able to sit.

Then a mom at a YMCA in Charlotte, where I live, was kicked out for nursing her baby. In violation of state law, I might add. I was on the verge, but I couldn't figure out how to make nursing in public work for me.

And then I saw this picture on my newsfeed:

My high school classmate, Facebook friend, and nursing idol

This kindly fellow mother also advised me that it was easiest to wear two layers and go up one and pull the bottom one down. And thus a public, uncovered breastfeeder was born. I'm now such a beast that I can and will give Ellie her nursies under any circumstances and wearing any clothing. Most times, you'll see less skin than on any television show or on many advertisements. Why? Because nursing in public uncovered is easy no matter what your personal level of comfort is.

Here's the thing. Ellie lives for the boob. She likes to eat and she loves to nurse to sleep. And she's not stupid. She knows where they are and that shirts go down and up. And why shouldn't she get to eat the way she eats. It's her legal right, but isn't it also morally right to let babies eat the way they eat? It's a social experience, eating, and we never expect anyone else, including bottlefed babies, to eat under cover when she's out and about.

Consider the message you're conveying, that it's too shameful to be seen. That it's secret. George Takei said this about SCOTUS's landmark decision about DOMA: "I've watched the 'ick' infect American life in a variety of ways and concluded that it's little more than a function of unfamiliarity. ... Even I was taken aback the first time I saw two men being affectionate in public. The 'ick' runs deep, instill unease even in those for whom an act is natural." I think it applies to nursing in public uncovered. The law supports it, so hopefully, the unfamiliarity and ick factor will go away and breastfeeding will be truly supported and not just a slogan.

Ask yourself why so few women in the US reach their own breastfeeding goals, much less the recommendations of the WHO (2 years minimum). It's because we don't support breastfeeding adequately, and we don't empower new moms to be bold in their decision to nurse on demand for as long as the baby wants. Whenever, wherever. We turn the easiest part of mothering (although not to say that it never has challenges), into a production that requires consumerism, extra gear to haul around, and privacy, shame, accusations of immodesty, and comparisons of the milk your body creates to shit. Literally people compare breastfeeding in public to pooping, and therefore your milk to shit. But breast is best, huh?

The only way to remove the ick and change the culture around nursing is to nurse in public, unashamed. So that's what I do. And for the record, no one ever says or has said anything to me. But I hear I have a bitchface. 

Breastfeeding: The Early Days

I didn't want to breastfeed. My husband wanted me too (and said he'd pay for a breastlift if I wanted one). So I did my research and found a pediatrician group with a full-time lactation consultant on staff. And then in recovery from my c-section, I began nursing. And those were the only good decisions I made for weeks.

Who doesn't want to see her baby this excited 8-12 times per day?

I didn't believe that babies really would hang out at the boob every minute of every day. So I fought it. And my supply suffered and then I supplemented and my supply suffered more. Then the baby didn't gain enough weight and I supplemented more and my supply suffered more. Then I tried to sleep and let my husband take a feeding and my supply suffered even more.

Here's the short of it:

• The baby needs to be on mommy, skin-to-skin all the time. No one else needs to bond with the baby, and certainly not by "helping" by giving a bottle. For a few weeks, wallow in each other's filth and cuddle and nurse. Daddy and grandma will find their own ways to bond later. Look up kangaroo care. 
• Sleep beside each other if you feel comfortable with it. See above. 24/7. This time passes quickly and back in the day people wouldn't bathe for months. Look up safe bedsharing or look at Dr. Sears.
• Pump on occasion. Your supply peaks in the first few weeks. So maximize your chances of good supply. If you have an over supply, just shut up. You'll also build a stash for later or quick trips out. More on pumping later.
• Eat to maximize supply: fenugreek, oatmeal, buckets of water, and high quality, nutrient dense foods.
• Ask for help. Lactation consultants, La Leche, your mom. But if breastfeeding is your goal, mind that well-meaning, helpful advice can undermine your success.
• With each mom and every baby, there's a skill set to develop to nurse wearing any clothes at all, so give it a couple weeks to learn and to let your bald puppy learn too.
• Likewise, don't let anyone come over that you don't want to nurse in front of and don't take the baby off the breast for someone to hold the baby. They can wait or admire from a distance. 
• Buy supplies in advance--bamboobies or other nursing pads and lanolin or other ointment. A few nursing tanks or tanks with long stretchy neck holes.
• Unless you have a specific milk issue, feed a full meal from one side, then offer the other as dessert. Alternate. I fed too much of the foremilk and it gave Ellie gas. Later on in a feeding, more fat comes out.
• Many babies have a side preference. If you aren't careful, you'll end up with one big, milky boob and one littler one. One of mine is so lazy, it's the boob Ellie uses for comfort nursing. I call it the sleepy boob because she likes to fall asleep on it.
• Pediatricians are not experts in breastfeeding. Lactation consultants are. When you need an expert, ask an expert. 
• Question any recommendation to supplement especially if it comes without specific ideas to increase your milk supply. 

And here's what I did wrong in list form:

• Tried to keep my boob-loving dictator off the breast. 
• Pacifier and bottle use (although Ellie had no confusion issues)
• Supplemented rather than nursing more
• Did not pump. Seriously. Barely pumped. 
• Did not stock up on stored milk. 
• Ate nothing but candy for days on end.
• Tried to sleep alone and make the baby sleep alone. Fast forward almost a year, and she still sleeps beside me and nurses half the night. But she loves the boob more than average.

But now I'll tell you the bottom line. Breastfeeding my daughter is the best thing I've ever done. It heals all bumps and bruises, she's never been sick, and I shit you not, for the first weeks, the oxytocin release when she'd nurse made me pass out like I was high. It was freakish.

Babywearing

I've been a big fan of babywearing. In the early days with Ellie, it was one of the only ways to get anything done because she wouldn't tolerate being set down. It also helped keep her calm, work out gas, and get some cuddles. Honestly, I really can't believe how little weight I've lost because for months I would work standing with her strapped on to me for hours on end. I've seen folks have a stack of other reasons for babywearing, but those were mine from the early days. We have a stroller and use it, but for Ellie and me (and to a lesser extent, the other family members who have worn her), babywearing suited our temperaments and her needs, it was convenient, and it felt natural and right.

I have had three types of carriers: the Moby wrap, a Baby Bjorn, and a Maya wrap.

The Moby wrap is great for the first months, but kind of a hassle to re-tie all the time. I had a c-section, and while I found recovery to be pretty easy, you aren't supposed to carry much weight, so the new mom habit of toting the baby in a heavy ass car seat didn't make sense for us. Also, babies are disgusting and I'm a sweaty Betty so I washed and dried it and it shrunk. Did not see that coming. It was still usable, but come on... Biggest pluses: great cuddling for those early days, inexpensive.

The Baby Bjorn is a crotch-dangler, the scourge of all crunchy babywearing mamas. From what I can tell from these folks is that the crotch dangling is terribly uncomfortable for babies and damages their hips. That was not my experience, and just from eye-balling it, I don't see any significant increase in kids being unable to walk because of this type of carrier. Ellie was perfectly comfortable in it, and it was my parents' preferred carrier. I found it super convenient for sporting events and work events when I needed my hands free.

The Maya wrap is my newest carrier and so far so good! I read about them online and I wanted a ring sling style carrier, and the Maya was created by a North Carolina mom. I love supporting North Carolina businesses! I wore it the other day to the Farmers Market and the little zippered pocket was awesome. It held my phone, money, and keys, and could have also fit a diaper and a little baggie with wipes for a longer excursion. It's fast to put on and I love it. I feel very Earth mother in it.

It seems like babywearers all have really strong, pretty unproven opinions. Face forward, face mama or daddy, only the front, only the back, make sure their legs are above their hips, make sure they can breathe! Of all those, only the breathing really seems to matter to me. Admittedly, Ellie is easy-going, but she liked all of them just fine. I will say, there are many types, more than I tried, and they're all investments, except the Moby, which is like $40. I would not get one of these other than a Moby in advance with your first kid, because yours might be the one that hates the crotch-dangling style. Try to borrow one from a friend or go to a baby boutique and try them out. I got the Maya at Sweet Bottoms in Cary, NC because I was visiting my mom and dad, but there are great boutiques all over that will carry lots of test drivable varieties.

Vaccination

I should preface this by saying I studied and currently work in public health. So you should know how this is going to go.

I believe in vaccines. I believe they prevent common, deadly diseases. I also believe they've made those diseases so much less common that people have forgotten that they're deadly.

I believe they have side effects sometimes. Aches, fever, drowsiness... But not autism. In reality, the science never showed that and the single study that linked them has been discredited.

There is absolutely nothing that anyone could say about vaccines that would make me not vaccinate by child. I would not be able to forgive myself if she died from a disease that was preventable if I just respected the best scientific knowledge available. I would not be able to forgive myself if chose not to vaccinate my child and she got sick and infected another child who was still vulnerable.

At the end of the day, it is my heartfelt and genuine belief that parents who choose not to vaccinate for reasons of conscience (not for religious beliefs or genuine medical issues like an allergy to an ingredient) are not acting out of good conscience. They are rejecting solid scientific evidence and they're selfish. They are relying on me and most of the people they come into contact with to vaccinate and therefore form a protective bubble while at the same time, they increase risk to my infant daughter. Some children truly cannot have certain vaccines or are too small to be fully protected and those people rely on all of us to get vaccinated and reduce their risk. Protecting those who can't protect themselves is the right thing to do.

There are a lot of variations in parenting that I respect. Some differences I even really enjoy. Let's face it, we all know someone doing a way better (or at least more elegant or effortless job than us. But I can't find anything to like about science-rejecting, non-vaccinating, selfish, public health hazard parenting. Not anything.

Motherwise vs. this Mother

A while back, I liked Motherwise, a natural parenting community. Also said they were evidence-based, but we'll get to that later. Little did I know that you couldn't respond unless you agreed with every single one of their truly exhaustive and exhausting list of stances. Top at the list: agree or keep quiet. Missed that memo.

And here's where I disagreed:

None of their admins and presumably the person asking the question are medical professionals, and the question was if and how they should share with Facebook acquaintances all the dangers of inducing labor, circumcision, etc. I said (in essence--I could tell you more accurately but those assholes deleted my comment) that they should share their reasons behind their choices, but not assume the other person is wrong to listen to their doctor. I even posted a second commenting hollering at my own Facebook buddy who had a different opinion, saying, "hey! We had a really different take on that!"

And then the shit storm made landfall.

The asshole of an admin mocked people saying the question asker was judgmental and if you don't respond according to their positions, you shouldn't respond at all. Obviously, I couldn't let that sit, so I pointed out that their comment was critical and judgmental and advocacy is NOT only from your perspective. Look, advocacy, particularly around health and children, is a passion of mine and part of my job. But I consider advocacy to include more positions than just my own. You know, dialogue, compromise, evolution of ideas and thoughts.

But oh no, not for Motherwise. Those bitches be fully evolved. I know this, but I can't tell them because they blocked me from ever commenting again. After posting about how disturbing it is to have people say anything in disagreement with their "evidence-based" parenting philosophies. Really? Disturbing? That was all it took to upset you?

Well, you really won't like this: some of your positions are not evidence-based. They're trendy. They might even be perfectly fine. I even do some of them because I think they're better for my family. But evidence-based? Nope. Here are the ones I can say right off hand are not actually supported by actual scientific evidence:

• Vaccine education versus actual vaccination
• Gluten-free diets for those without allergies or sensitivities
• Against routine circumcision
• In favor of bed-sharing and family beds

Well, I did enjoy seeing the answers to some questions, but it's a community site. If I can't be part of the community, with my functioning and independent brain and all, I will not like you at all, Motherwise (although I truly appreciate that you think your content is valuable enough that my misguided self shouldn't miss anything). I think you guys are kind of sanctimonious assholes. 

Here are some groups I have enjoyed:

• The Leaky Boob
• 100 Days of Real Food
• I Am Not the Babysitter
• The Badass Breastfeeder

Any others?

Baby Foods

I've skipped baby food for several reasons based on what I read from friends, mommy bloggers, and our own pediatrician.

• If the food has to be blended and puréed, is that baby ready for food?
• It seems like a lot of messy extra work.
• It sets up a pattern where baby eats different foods than mom and dad, and this mom isn't a short order cook.
• Breastmilk is more than adequate nutrition--why stress over something else?

There are other reasons people give: agency over food and learning chewing first versus swallowing. But those aren't my reasons.

Ellie is almost 10 months old and this is what a daily menu of solids looks like:

Breakfast: a few bites of banana
Lunch: a few green beans and barley from my homemade soup and a few bites of yogurt
Dinner: rosemary and garlic braised beans with a little whole grain pita and yogurt

This is what we're eating today, so she eats a mini version of it. Combined with nursing every 3 hours or so (girl loves the boob), she'll get adequate nutrition.

Getting started...

This blog will compile the best parenting information Facebook has to offer. Or, more accurately, that my friends have to offer. Expect family-friendly foods and maybe recipes, general parenting information and discussions, home management, and a whole lot of breastfeeding talk, all with the benefits of labels. I've been fortunate to have a lot of mommy experts and non-mommy genius friends who have paved the way for my fairly smooth parenting experience and now I plan to take all of that and pass it off as my own.

I'm not a doctor, nurse, teacher, or parent expert. I'm a first-time mama with an MSPH in community health and I am the child of educators. I work from home primarily. I bed share and plan on full-term breastfeeding, but I'm not particularly crunchy if you don't count those.